Time Is Meaningless So I Made Some Wolf Hall Memes

I am incredibly privileged in this this coronavirus era. I am not sick. I am not high-risk. I am able to work from home and receive a paycheck. I am not raising children or have any dependent family members to care for. I have a safe, comfortable place to self-isolate. But if you are in a similar situation you know, that even having things "good" right now, is still not...great. I miss people, I miss doing things, I cry sometimes, I get anxiety-induced stomach aches, and time stretches out as a big, nebulous blob.

sometimes fast, sometimes slow, who knows?!

Occasionally though I get really excited about doing something meaningless. I suddenly have an urge to organize a photo album, watch a TV show I have seen many times before (and sometimes "before" is "last week"), look at the pictures in a favorite fashion history book, or search Ebay for old Seattle-made brands. And sometimes a little voice in my brain tries to tell me no: that is not a good use of time. It is not "productive." And then the other part of my brain chimes in to say "If you found joy in something, by all means DO THE THING."

And honestly, I have so much time these days, is it even possible for me to waste it?

Which is all a fancy preamble to the fact that, inspired by the excellent Jane Austen + Onion Headlines meme from a couple years ago (click here) I spent a substantial amount of time this week making Wolf Hall + Onion Headline memes. Apparently other people are using this time to get abs but this was what I picked instead.

I should mention that there is already a series of these that I found on Tumblr and they came up with some really good ones that I couldn't re-use. See them here, here, and here.

But like, mine are also pretty great.

My Other Favorite Period Movies

One of my top old blog posts was a ranking of my favorite period movies. (And by "top" I mean the post that I personally re-read the most. My actual most popular post is the one I wrote about how bad the costumes are on a Hallmark Channel show called When Calls the Heart. I kid you not, it has 2500 page views.)

At the time I could only come up with 9 instead of a nice round 10 and described my feelings thus:

Maybe there is something meaningful about always being on the search for that great movie that will round out the list. Or maybe tomorrow I'll wake up and think of the 10th and feel like an idiot for forgetting it. 

So here are my candidates for that 10th spot-- some are ones I forgot about, some are newly discovered.

Much Ado About Nothing (1993)

This is one where I slapped my forehead and couldn't believe that I forgot. But then...is this actually a period movie? What period is it? The white dresses and leather pants period? Is this just what Italy was like in 1993?  It is an intentionally vague Shakespearean time warp rather than any point in time.

The important thing is that Emma Thompson and Kenneth Branagh are SO CHARMING in this movie I just can't handle it. It is also PACKED with other great performances, including Denzel Washington and one of Kate Beckinsale's first film roles. There is also a cameo by film composer Patrick Doyle who plays the role of Balthazar the singer.

(Doyle is on the left)

Best costume moment:

There are like two costumes in this whole movie with a different vest here and there. So instead I will use this gif of a chair collapsing under Benedick, which Kenneth Branagh deserves for cheating on Emma Thompson and ruining the illusion that these two were also the perfect couple in real life.

MEN WERE DECEIVERS EVER

(But then she met Greg Wise while filming Sense and Sensibility so it all worked out)


Gosford Park (2001)

This is a great film that I recently re-watched and became re-enamored with. It is a murder mystery that takes place at an old English manor house and peeks into lives upstairs and downstairs and how they interact. It was written by Julian Fellows and so was Downton Abbey before Downton Abbey. But unlike Downton Abbey it is perfectly contained and plotted film rather than a TV show that goes off the rails (yeah, I said it).

Fortunately, Maggie Smith plays the exact same character.

The Dowager Countess of Grantham Countess of Trentham

The cast is incredible, including Helen Mirren, Jeremy Northam, Stephen Fry, and Kristin Scott Thomas to just name a few.

Oh and helloooo Clive Owen

This is one of those movies you want to watch over and over again to catch all of the little details and layers of the story.

Best costume moment:

Gosford Park has a great range of 1930s costumes, from evening gowns, to servant's livery, to sporty hunting tweeds. But I think my favorite detail is the little tiara that Maggie Smith wears. She may be low on money (sssh don't tell the other characters!) but she is still a Countess dammit.

Elizabeth (1998)

Elizabeth has a bit more violence and ridiculous drama than I usually enjoy in a good period pic (someone literally dies while having sex in a poisoned dress), but Cate Blanchett is so wonderful and compelling that it is hard not to love it. It is quite different in tone from The Young Victoria but it has a similar appeal-- a young queen coming to the throne, discovering her power in a world that wasn't built for women to be leaders.

She is NO MAN'S Elizabeth

Side note: Having recently watched The Tudors and enjoyed James Frain as Thomas Cromwell, I totally forgot he is also in this movie. He plays a cartoon version of a Spaniard, complete with thick accent, strange facial hair, and overly-dramatic black outfits.

lol not your best look hon

Best costume moment: 

There are some pretty memorable costumes in this movie, but many are debatably accurate. Probably the best for both fabulousness and accuracy is the coronation gown.

Based on this portrait:

And then she wears it while dancing a Volta like a boss.

Pirates of the Caribbean (2003)

On a completely unserious note, there is the original Pirates of the Caribbean. The sequels have run this franchise into the ground, and Johnny Depp is kind of gross now, but weren't we all delighted by this movie when it first came out? Weren't we all sort of surprised by how good it was? Do I own this on DVD? Yes, yes, and yes.

This being a movie based on an amusement park ride it isn't the most accurate costume-wise. Elizabeth Swann's costumes seem to place the movie around the 1770s (when she definitely would have worn a corset prior to the start of the movie but would have called it stays), while Will Turner has more of a 17th century Three Musketeers vibe. 

Best costume moment(s):

When this movie came out I had a friend who LOVED Orlando Bloom as Legolas in the Lord of the Rings movies. I don't really care about Lord of the Rings and wasn't into the platinum blonde look so I didn't get what she was on about. So when Pirates of the Caribbean came out she was like SEE. DON'T YOU GET IT NOW? HE IS SO HOT. And I admit, Will Turner is a dish. But I didn't want to give her the satisfaction. So told her that I preferred Commodore Norrington. I printed out pictures of him for my dorm room and she was SO ANNOYED.

It started as a joke, but was it? I sort of like his look? Perfectly powdered wig, tricorn hat (sometimes with feathers), gold-trimmed jackets, snappy little knee pants? Jack Davenport gave an interview where he complained that all the pirate costumes looked "so cool" and he looked like "an ice cream cone."

Now 15+ years later I can say with confidence that it was not a joke and that I do, in fact, like Norrington, the upstanding ice cream cone. 

Belle (2013)

One of the biggest problems with loving period movies is that they are generally written and directed by white people and star only white people. They often depict a world where no one thinks about race or racism. Belle is a wonderful movie that breaks that mold. Written and directed by Black women, Belle tells a story about a woman of color at the upper end of English society.

This movie is loosely based on the life of Dido Elizabeth Belle (if you do some internet searching you realize quite loosely) whose mother was a slave, but because her (white) father claimed her and designated her as his heiress, she was raised as gentlewoman by her wealthy uncle and aunt. She was in a unique position, but the movie also gives us glimpses of other Black lives in England during this period-- including a Black maid and group of formally dressed Black men attending an important court case.

The movie wrestles with the racism of English society and how it effects Dido. It is at times a little heavy-handed and overly idealistic. But it also has many insightful and moving moments. There are a lot of well-meaning white people saying things to Dido that they think are really enlightened but are actually pretty crappy. It is powerful to watch her start rejecting all the ways that she has been belittled and marginalized. Ultimately the movie is uplifting and she gets a happy ending which is what every period movie heroine deserves.

Best costume moment: 

Gugu Mbatha-Raw is fabulous and looks fabulous in 18th century gowns. I'm a sucker for a frothy pink dress, and she gets SEVERAL.

Lovely pastel

A little frillier

Hot pink YAAAS

Wolf Hall (2015)

This is my current obsession so I might go on a bit. Why do I love this so much?? One of the joys of most of my favorite period movies and miniseries is that they are female-centered stories, with female characters driving the plot and the action. But Wolf Hall is all about Thomas Cromwell. I argue that it is so good because the series is based on an excellent and award-winning series by lady writer Hilary Mantel.

This is a retelling of the King Henry VIII & Anne Boleyn story from Thomas Cromwell's perspective-- a man who is usually cast as the villain in most fictionalized accounts. Here he is clever, likable, and compelling to watch.

Best costume moment(s):

I love movies that make subtle changes to costumes as the story progresses. Cromwell consistently wears black but his clothing get fancier as he rises in power. At the beginning he is a successful lawyer and secretary so his clothing is nice but simple, and he wears a soft cap which he is always taking off when he bows and then re-adjusting over his loose hair.

By Anne's coronation he is trimmed in heavy furs and the cap he wears is more structured. He now wears a skullcap underneath it that keeps his hair in place when he takes his hat on and off. 

In the book the reader is reminded that Cromwell was once a cloth merchant and sizes people up by mentally pricing the fabrics they are wearing. He understands the power of clothing, both as a representation of self and as a connection to one of the most important seats of power in Europe: the merchants and traders. His costuming is contrasted with Thomas More who is shown in furs that look old and shabby.

This is implied to be an affectation rather than a sign of poverty. More is wealthy, but in this telling he is insufferably smug and superior--assuming he is more intelligent and righteous than anyone he meets. His old clothes are a way for him to show that he is "above" worldly things.

There is a scene in the book when More is regaling his dinner guests with stories about the follies of women. He recounts how his daughter-in-law desperately wanted a pearl necklace. To teach her a lesson about desiring such vain things, he gifted her with a box that rattled like pearls when shaken. She was elated and opened the box, only to discover it was filled with dried peas. He roars with laughter remembering her disappointment. Cromwell notes to one of the other guests that the woman in question brought a great deal of money into the family when she married More's son (which of course became the property of her husband's family). Cromwell remarks that if the lady wants pearls, she should damn well have pearls.

This anecdote, and the costuming are two of the clever ways that the story re-frames and re-imagines the differences between these two men. The conventional wisdom is that More was a voice of morality and unwavering in his opinions. Cromwell was constantly changing, climbing the ladder, and pleasing who he needed. Usually that translates to More=good, Cromwell=bad. But here More's steadfastness is stubborn and backward. He would rather wear an old coat and gift someone dried peas than participate in the vanity of fashion. Cromwell is a man who embraces change-- change in himself, change for England, change for the church. He adjusts his wardrobe as his wealth increases and is generous with gifts and favors. If you were a Tudor woman with virtually no rights wouldn't you rather be Mrs. Cromwell than Mrs. More?

Ok I need to stop tinkering with this post and finish Bring up the Bodies.

Why The Tudors Is Kinda Good

If you know anything about Showtime's The Tudors you know that it is...rather trashy. It has been maligned by critics, fashion historians, and regular historians. But having recently re-watched it, and watched it alongside Wolf Hall, I am ready to make the case that it is, at times, actually good.

First, to recap why The Tudors gets a bad rap, and why it is mostly deserved:

The pitch meeting for the show seems to be: History, but make it SEXY. And this being the 2000s, SEXY meant that all the actors are all young and hot, the clothes are all ready to fall off at any moment, and there are lots of sex scenes that are gratuitous and unrelated to the plot. The show tries to aggressively sell everyone on Jonathan Rhys Meyers as hot beefcake Henry VIII and he mostly comes across as gross.

He enjoys aggressively and sensually eating fruit for some reason

The costumes are frequently hilarious, but I particularly enjoy how they keep trying to find ways to show off Henry's body even in scenes where he isn't having sex. Like, how about he is with his tailor and his tailor hasn't put sleeves on his doublet yet, but then he is angry so has to have a big important argument without sleeves?

 

So hot

In summary: Henry VIII is HOT and has SEX and everyone in his court has SEX and it is all just so HOT.

You get the idea

But the other thing is that it is still a multi-episode television show. Each episode is an hour and the Anne Boleyn story is stretched out for two 10-episode seasons. So that is 20 hours to fill and it can't be 20 hours of Jonathan Rhys Meyers ripping his shirt off.

Some of that time has to be filled with actual historical events and details of Henry's reign. Sure, there is stuff that is totally made up or wildly stretched, but some of it is actually accurate. And historical figures who are usually flattened down to a few basic traits in a movie retelling, get more screen time and stuff to do.

Take for example the two women at the center of the story: Catherine of Aragon and Anne Boleyn.  Queen Catherine is usually depicted as either stoic and saintly or dried up and stubborn. Anne Boleyn is either slutty and conniving or romantic and heroic. In The Tudors Catherine is shown as strong and pious, but also savvy about the politics of the court and knows how to play her hand. Anne Boleyn is calculating and power-hungry at times, but she also is shown as vulnerable and aware that she is being played as a pawn for her family's own ambitions. She is sympathetic to the Protestant church but also argues with Cromwell about money from the monasteries going to the needy instead of into Henry's pocket. Gosh, maybe women are full human beings with complex emotions and motivations?!

In a similar vein are Thomas More and Thomas Cromwell. In most versions of the Henry VIII story, More is a hero and Cromwell a villain. More, a great scholar and thinker of the time, felt his conscience wouldn't allow him to support Henry's marriage to Anne. He was tried and executed as a traitor. There is understandable respect for him and he was even sainted by the Catholic Church. In The Tudors he is played by Jeremy Northam so he is principled AND attractive.

Mmmm.

But The Tudors also shows us his less palatable side-- like when he was Chancellor he jumped at the opportunity to burn as many Protestants as possible.

The non-sexy kind of hot

Then there is Thomas Cromwell, who is usually viewed as an opportunist who had no problem doing Henry's dirty work. In The Tudors he is a major character for three seasons, so he gets a lot of screen time. He is clever and capable, sympathetic to the Protestant cause, zealously against aspects of the Catholic church, eager to please Henry, and not terribly afraid of making enemies. Again, they cast an actor (James Frain) who is much younger and more attractive than the real Cromwell.

Dark curly hair yes please

While doing some googling I found this article by a Cromwell biographer who begrudgingly admits that The Tudors is the most accurate portrayal of Cromwell on screen. Her reasoning is that the real Cromwell was quite complicated, not fully hero or villain (as it true for most people) and The Tudors came closest to showing that.

Ok, so I mentioned Wolf Hall earlier. If you don't know, Wolf Hall is the name of both a novel by Hilary Mantel and a miniseries made by the BBC (which was actually an adaptation of both Wolf Hall and the second book Bring up the Bodies. The last book The Mirror and the Light was just published). Mantel positions Cromwell as the hero of the story and makes him very charming and sympathetic. Both book and miniseries are FANTASTIC and I'm sort of obsessed.

If he loves cats, how bad can he be?

While historians may quibble about how favorably Mantel portrays Cromwell, everyone agrees that her books are painstakingly researched and evocative of the Tudor period. But watching The Tudors back-to-back with Wolf Hall highlighted how surprisingly historical much of The Tudors actually was--it just got lost under so much schlock.

So to summarize, The Tudors isn't so bad, Wolf Hall is amazing, and I maybe have a crush on Thomas Cromwell.