A Very Important Ranking of Mr. Collinses

I was thinking of ranking Pride and Prejudice adaptations or Mr. Darcys, but where is the surprise in that? Everyone knowns that it is #1 Colin Firth (Pride and Prejudice 1995) #2 Colin Firth (Bridget Jones's Diary) #3 tie between Sir Laurence Olivier and Wishbone the dog. But a great Mr. Collins can pop out of nowhere.

Mr. Collins is goofy and embarrassing and a great comedic role. All the men on this list have a slightly different take on whether Mr. Collins is buttoned up and prissy, or boorish and crass. But one thing that is easy to gloss over is that Mr. Collins is no harmless fool. He is pompous, self-important and a misogynist. When Elizabeth rejects him he brushes it off because he believes that when women say no they really mean yes--an idea that continues to cause destruction in women's lives to this day.

The other thing about Mr. Collins is that in the book he is 25 -- actually younger than Mr. Darcy. Most adaptations cast him as more than a decade older and style him to look older still. But being young adds an important dimension-- he is one of those 20-something guys who thinks he knows EVERYTHING and is eager to grace the world with his superior knowledge.

Ok enough chit chat. Here is my list. I wanted to call this a "definitive" list, but there are several versions I haven't seen (something about zombies?) so this will have to be what it is.

6. Melville Cooper as Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice, 1940

I have a fondness for the 1940 Pride and Prejudice even though it takes liberties with the plot. Melville's Mr. Collins is prim and silly but has very little edge. At 44 he is also the oldest Mr. Collins on this list. 

Best line: As you are aware madam, when a certain...melancholy event occurs [makes awkward eye contact with Mr. Bennet]... I shall be the involuntary means of disinheriting your daughters. 

5. Tom Hollander as Mr. Collins in Pride & Prejudice, 2005

I like Tom Hollander but I don't care for this adaptation. This Mr. Collins is painfully awkward but not very funny. Hollander is also quite short, which follows a trope of making Mr. Collins a wee little man compared with tall, hot Mr. Darcy.  The book actually describes Mr. Collins as "a tall, heavy-looking young man." Not that every adaptation has to stick to that but it is interesting that most adaptations imagine Mr. Collins as older and smaller than Darcy when in the book he is young and has a big physical presence.

Best line: What excellent boiled potatoes. It's been many years since I had such an exemplary vegetable.

4. David Bamber as Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice, 1995

Oh David Bamber, I'm sorry for ranking you so low! Obviously everything about the 1995 adaptation is iconic and perfect and Bamber is a hoot in the role. We get a little bit of the dark side with his spiteful visit after Lydia's elopement, but generally he is just a sweaty idiot with a moist upper lip.  This adaptation also really leaned into him calling Elizabeth "cousin Elizabeth" which really hits the gross factor for modern audiences. Bamber was about 40 when this was filmed, and the producers tried to age him further by styling his hair to look like he was balding. 

Best line: Observe that closet cousin Elizabeth! WHAT do you say to that? Is it not the very ESSENCE of practicality and convenience? Lady Catherine de Bourgh HERSELF was kind enough to suggest that these shelves be fitted EXACTLY as you see them here.

3. Nitin Ganatra as Mr. Kohli in Bride & Prejudice, 2004

This Bollywood adaptation gets many things right about Mr. Collins (or Mr. Kohli as he is called here). Ganatra brings an amazing smarmy energy to the role. Mr. Kohli is obsessed with signifiers of status, has snobbish ideas about America's superiority to India, and thinks Indian-American women are too "outspoken." He is also the only Collins who has a musical number sung about him.

Best line: No life without wife!

2. Malcolm Rennie as Mr. Collins in Pride and Prejudice, 1980

This adaptation is mostly a huge snooze, but Rennie is a bright spot. At 33 he is nearly the youngest on this list and is a tall, big guy. He conspicuously checks the quality of the silver while at dinner (which he will one day inherit), apologizes endlessly for small mistakes, enjoys mansplaining things to the Bennet sisters, dances more hilariously than David Bamber, and his cheerful "you will accept me presently" during the proposal scene sounds like a threat from a serial killer. 

Best line: It is more than well-situated. It is excellently situated. And what you refer to as "rising ground" is a hill, Miss Eliza.

1. Hubbel Palmer as William Collins in Pride and Prejudice: A Latter-Day Comedy, 2003

This is why I wanted to do this list because the #1 is a bit obscure and maybe a surprise: Hubbel Palmer is the best Collins ever captured on screen. He was 26 when the movie came out and is physically spot-on. He is obnoxious, boring, self-important, and has some pretty messed-up ideas about women. This movie was made by Mormon filmmakers and takes place in Provo, Utah. The writers clearly had no problem poking fun of their own, so Collins tinges his self-righteousness with religious overtones. There is this great scene where he is basically giving a sermon about how women should be grateful for marriage offers and Elizabeth fantasizes about throwing a bible directly at his face. This Mr. Collins is awful, but manages to also be very, very funny. 

Best quote: Elizabeth, we have been commanded to multiply and replenish the earth.